"Changes"

The world changes so rapidly over time, and so must we all. That being said, the past couple years have held enormous changes for me, both as a person on the outside, as well as on the inside. In the past year alone, I have met several people, changed many lives; including my own, seen a bunch of new places, and experienced new challenges. I've faced army basic training, getting married, being a parent, and being stationed far from the home and friends I have known my whole life. I have my days where I miss all of them, but I would not change a single choice for the world, because for the first time, I'm learning new things each day again, and enjoying the changes in scenery and lifestyle. That all being said, I want to reveal a new piece that has been growing the past few months.

"Reflections"

Long ago, a boy once looked into the mirror,
hoping to see his reflection, but when he looked,
he saw that of a young man looking back at him instead.
This greatly troubled the boy and he spoke,
asking the reflection why it was that of a young man,
instead of that of himself.
The reflection replied to the boy,
with the wisdom of only that attained through experience,
"I am you, several years down the road.
You do not yet know of the choices that will lead you here,
but they will lead you to the best days of your life."
With that, the reflection faded, and the boy was staring at himself once more.

Several years later, the young man smiled,
having looked back at who he used to be,
knowing that his past led him to this point, and he was who he wanted to be.
He then pulled out a small mirror that he kept within his uniform, and gazed into it.
He was shocked to see the reflection of a middle aged man,
grizzled and worn out looking, a scar on his cheek and white beginning to show in his hair.
The man spoke to the young soldier, his bitterness burning within the young man's ears.
"Your choices have condemned you to a dark, and lonely road.
The actions you will perform here, today, will seal your fate,
leaving you hollow and bitter like me."
The reflection faded, leaving that of the young man with a troubled expression.

A middle aged man sat alone on his front porch,
grumbling in his bitterness and longing for his former happiness.
It was when he had a sudden impulse to look at his reflection in the nearby mirror,
that he was greeted by the countenance of an elderly man,
Wizened and scarred, seasoned in his age and content.
The elderly man smiled, and spoke to the middle aged man,
"Your bitterness has been a part of you for too long due to decisions that you did not make.
Let it go, and enjoy the good that you do have in your life, for life is too short for one to dwell on the past.
Know that your actions saved lives, protected those you cared for, and you followed your orders.
You served with honor, and once you left service, you had several good things waiting, and that are still waiting."
The vision of the future vanished, and the middle aged man sat alone once more immersed in thought,
before rising and rejoining his family indoors.

An elderly man sat in his chair next to the one that remained unoccupied by his wife,
his now fully grown daughter having been it's most recent occupant until she recently left the house,
rushing off to work in a flurry of youth.
The old man smiled briefly then with a final glance to the chair to his side, promised his wife he would see her again shortly.
With that, he released his dying breath, and let go, rejoining his loved one on the other side.

The story of the boy, the young man, the middle aged man, and the elderly man shows us that life is much to short to hold on to resentment, regrets, and troubles.It teaches us to let go of the things that we hold resentment towards and accept life for what it is, and move on. From cradle to grave, our lives are a series of challenges, and tests that will affect who we are to our core, and should we lose our way, we must remember that life moves on, with or without us, and be content for the time that we do have.

-"Shade"

"The Torn Heart"

This piece is something I wanted to try a little while back, but lacked the motivation to try. I'll be writing in the format of a letter.

"Dearest Love,

     I know things have been rough lately, and I really do care for you, but I am sorry that I cannot be there.
As you know, my heart is torn between my feelings for you, and feelings for another, and I would rather not harm anyone. I know my decision to stand back and stay clear has been hard on you, and I am sorry for my choice. I hope that one day, I can come back home to you, but I will also understand if you should find another in the time that I am gone. Know that I will always have a special place for you in my heart, and that no matter what, I will always be thinking of you no matter where I may go.

Always yours,

The man who loves you."

It may be a bit gushy for a piece, but it's something that came to mind after hearing about some troubles a friend of mine has been going through. I sincerely hope that one day, things will work out in their life, but for now, what matters is the journey, and the support they may find wherever life takes them.

-"Shade"

Segments of Life

This is an excerpt of some of my other work in which I attempt to find the balance of life through the visualization of the way society views life and how it should be lived. This is by no means a finished work, but I have been working at it as I, myself, come to terms with and face the situations I have decided to explore.

-"Life, Philosophy, and Rhetoric

 Part One: Everyday Life

What is humanity?

What is fatherhood?

What is family?

These three questions have passed through my thoughts several times throughout the course of my life, and have made a nasty habit of coming to the surface more so in the past month. The days pass, and as they do, I come no closer to finding the answers to these questions, and my frustration grows. How does a man who was raised to be as sharp as a well maintained blade, as unfeeling as a rock, learn to feel? How to find a balance when the carefully constructed world he has clung to for his entire existence comes crashing down? The closer I find myself coming to an answer, the faster it goes spiraling away.

This is not a narrative of my life, nor that of anyone else, but merely the observations and conjectures that manifest themselves within the core of every human being’s psyche as they develop and move further through their life. I may present examples from my own life, or examples from the lives of those I have observed, and from the lives and experiences of those that I have grown close to and apart from over the years. This series of writing contains the essence of the lives we all lead, the lies we tell, and the truths we accept. I will attempt to be as unbiased on the content of this as possible, but I feel that I may end up placing one or two of my own thoughts and beliefs within this essay.

The first question is humanity. What is it? Humanity is taught to all people as the guiding internal compass between right and wrong. Over the centuries of mankind’s existence, our views of humanity have shifted and changed. To one person, humanity is the ability to accept the facts of life for what they are, and to guide their own life by that principle. To another, humanity is merely donating to the nearest charity, then going to a coffee shop, and posting on a self-righteous blog about how their own life is horrible as they sip a large mocha which the very people they donated money to assist are exploited. There is not a clear answer to humanity, and as one who was raised to be unfeeling and emotionless, accepting my own humanity has been something I’ve grappled with for as long as I can remember. I can only speculate from my own experiences, but I have observed that humanity has a much deeper meaning, and a more subtle impact than anyone would be willing to admit. Humanity as I have observed goes through several steps, and several forms, ranging from simple compliance with custom and tradition because it has been unchanging since the dawn of time, to the view of trying to break the mold and differentiate one’s self from the masses. It stretches from emotion; anger, fear, sadness, happiness, indifference; to the subtle things we do within our own lives that have far reaching consequences that generate the very crossroads we face in our own lives, and the lives of others inadvertently. The concept of humanity leads to my next question.

What is fatherhood? What does it mean, and what does it entail? Fatherhood is often a title for one who has both procreated and conceived a child of their own, but it has also been given to those who guide the lives of others, sharing their wisdom and experiences with the next generation in hopes of aiding them in their own lives and to prevent them from making the same mistakes. A friend once said that fatherhood was one of our baser instincts, a drive to ensure the survival of our own bloodlines through the ages. Another said it was a part of life, the part where we face the most of life’s trials, and the part of life where our lives begin to turn towards their end. That being said, I honestly do not understand why more people who have become a father choose not to take a part in the lives of their children, choosing to either remain anonymous, or to send a check in the mail every month while they live life as it was before parenthood. Once more, I remind myself that this is not to express my apathy towards mankind for its behavior, but merely a narrative and prompt to direct my thoughts on the subject in a non-partial manner. I, myself, am a fledgling father, and honestly I will admit that the idea of parenthood both scares, and intrigues me. I will begin guiding another, a continuation of my own flesh and blood, to their fate while attempting to ensure that the legacy I leave behind is one I can be proud of.

My final prompt for this literary work is the concept of family, how it has deteriorated over the years, and how many try to create an illusion of function when faced with certain dysfunction. Long ago, family was one of the most treasured concepts, and many families had made it a point to stick together, no matter what, going as far as creating an ancestral home and remaining in it through the generations. In the age of the internet, social networking, and information on demand, it has become less common to spend time together as a family, rather than focus on the latest global news, or to drown out the surrounding world in music. Many escape into the virtual world of video-games, remaining ignorant to the smaller, more subtle changes in the world around them. How does mankind continue to slide further into this trend, when it has made several attempts to limit progress? The answer is quite simple, actually. It has been predicted that no matter what the challenge, mankind will progress and evolve around the problem, overcoming it and becoming increasingly superior. But when does progress turn to regression? How does one control the rate they progress at? These are startling concepts, and there currently is not an answer because each individual progresses at their own rate, some quicker, others, slower. Progress has a direct correlation with family, because as we progress, the concept of family becomes broader, and harder to distinguish between friends who are incredibly close, and those who share your genetics.

I will still grapple with my own humanity, and with my concepts of fatherhood and family, as I have grown from the very root of dysfunction, and I pray that I may never subject my own children to it, even with the most false of hope. As some would say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but to conclude this, the statement is indeed one of the harshest facts of life. Everything we are is everything we’ve already done, our choices are our anchors, and our will is our driving force. When our will drives us to become better than we are, we will rise to the occasion, and when our will drives us to betray mankind, we are the ones who drive the knife into each other’s backs. While this fact does not give one much hope, at the same time, it illuminates the world around us, allowing us to see the flow of our decisions and the ripples of our choices with greater clarity.

Part Two: Relationship Rhetoric

                How is it that we can tell when we are truly suffering and “heart-broken”? Suffering is a conceptual fact that when one has endured a certain hardship, that they are broken and changed permanently. But why do we allow these hardships to change who we are on a fundamental level? The changes occur because the hardship tests our resolve, challenges our ideals, and ultimately forces us to swallow the bitter pill of being wrong about our perceptions. The challenge in life to end suffering is not to go without trying new things out of fear of being hurt, but to embrace the newfound knowledge of being wrong about our ideas, because then we can formulate new ideas and test them. The very same principle is found in the scientific method that scientists use to determine if their own theories and hypotheses are true, or if it is false.

                The source of hardship is not hard to find, because it is usually where we see through hindsight that our fortune had changed."-

Things are still a bit rough with it, and these are the earlier version of these conceptual pieces, so please, I strongly advise that you do not see these as my outlook on life, but rather as an objective description as an outsider would see it. 

-"Shade"

Fire (914)

This is an outline of a song I wrote for my band, Blackened Reality, a little while back. I'm still fine tuning things, but it's a good example of a rough draft for song writing.

Fire (914)

-Verse 1 (screamed)

A year is a long time to grow

(proves how little that you know)

I’ve heard these same words before,

(Just keep coming back for more)

Fury’s welling up inside,

No time to run and hide,

I won’t do this no more

Now watch your tiny world explode!

-pre chorus (sung)

Embers rise,

Worlds collide,

As our last night dies,

I’ve heard your lies,

Watched you cry,

Now say Goodbye!

-Chorus

I’ve been a victim to your endless game,

Suffered for far too long, and feel no pain.

I can’t move as the walls close in,

Cannot scream when the fire begins.

FIRE!

FIRE!

(914!)

FIRE!

HIGHER!

(914!)

-Verse 2 (screamed)

Can your hear me now?

(hear me now!)

You make no sound!

(Make no Sound!!)

Watch the tears begin to pour,

Now’s the time to settle the score,

The walls you built around you begin to fall,

You didn’t see this coming and now you crawl!

-Pre chorus

-Chorus

-Breakdown

No!

(No!)

Your tower falls!

Go!

(GO!)

Now you CRAWL!!!

-Solo

-Pre chorus

-Final chorus

-Break down repeat

-"Shade"

Long time.

It's been a long time since I have posted, and while I've written plenty over the time since, I couldn't publish any of it because it just didn't have the same flow anymore because of the things I was dealing with. However, this is a new post partially because I feel compelled to post again, and partially because I feel the need to publish a new writing that sums up my story to this point.

"Betrayal/Acceptance"

I have grown sick of this war,
The endless fights,
the nights sleeping on the couch.
I spend my time,
Trying to figure out where I went wrong,
And how to fix my mistakes.
You were a cancer to me,
No amount of talking could change that.
Uncounted cigarettes later,
No answers, no clarity, no stability.
I have lost my voice,
and while I feel I have no choice,
I continue to fight,
and struggle with you to work this out with all of my might.
You have stabbed me numerous times,
and I have forgiven each wound,
but I find that as I try to heal,
The less I can feel.

This is the end,
and now my wounds will mend.
I have done all I can,
I have tried to be the better man.
I have given my all,
And my name is all you can call.
I will do what I must,
and while I can't trust,
I will no longer stand by and collect dust.
I've had my fun,
and now I am done.
You continue to ask me why,
Been the best I could be,
But you fail to see,
That I have already said goodbye.

Eulogy

Ok, it's no secret that I listen to a lot of metal music, so naturally, I have a large number of songs that have very dark titles. This piece was strung together with song titles on my iPod, set to resemble a eulogy written to show how a person truly was rather than the happy nonsense most people would receive, even if they were the worst person alive.

"Eulogy"
Scream now,
the Afterlife is all that is left For You.
in life, you were Cold,
caring not for the State of The Union,
nor for the Gunshot to The Head of Trepidation.
You chose to Swing Life Away,
steadfast in your Fixation on The Darkness,
as those you cared for lay Dying In Your Arms.
Even as you Break The Silence,
your heart was so Serpentine,
that As Daylight Dies, you remain Behind Closed Doors.
Now you Fade To Black,
merging into a land of Voices, with Nothing To Say,
standing Before The Damned,
no longer able to Hold On.
You were not Indestructible,
And now you shall wander endlessly Inside The Fire.


"Shade"

Ruin

Not entirely sure how to describe this one, other than my decision to read some older literature that had been based upon fear of nuclear warfare. I'll let this one speak for itself.

"Ruin"
A cloud of dust passes over the ground,
Not a singe survivor has been found.
It wasn't long ago when they fell from the sky,
The world went silently, it didn't even cry.
Skyscrapers, shattered and broken,
Arcade machines, destroyed, spewing tokens.
A scorched Earth is all that remains,
Emptied by several nuclear domains.
A crow flies overhead,
Looking down at the small shadow burned into a bed.
Shadows burned into buildings is all that can be seen,
A dark legacy, a hellish dream.
The bombs fell, and people stared in shock,
Now all that can be heard is the delayed ticking of a single broken clock.

"Shade"